What NOT to say to someone who had a miscarriage

What Not To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

Pregnancy is an exciting time in a woman’s life, it might even be one of the most exciting time we get to experience. Many women have envisioned motherhood and what this experience will look like since being young. It can be an extremely difficult and emotional time when that vision is shattered by a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. The experience is painful, it is the loss of a life you will never know. The moment we become pregnant, our minds immediately start adapting, shifting, planning, and dreaming of this beautiful life inside of us. When the reality hits of our loss, friends and family might not even know all that we have grown and lost because we may have not had time to share our pregnancy with our community yet. It can be shameful, heartbreaking and isolating.

Pregnancy loss and miscarriage is rarely talked about but common, miscarriages occur in 1 in 4 pregnancies. People that we share our news with may be well-intentioned when comforting a friend, but oftentimes it can be challenging finding the right thing to say. People don’t always know how to talk about miscarriages. I write this post to you, the reader, with the intention of educating you on how to support someone going through a miscarriage. We will talk about things that are helpful (things that aren’t) and how to support a friend. If you don’t get through this whole post; tell them you love them and send food.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage & What You SHOULD Say

"It wasn’t meant to be.”…he looked at her definitively, “Ya, I just really think it wasn’t meant to be.” She winced, Her tender body open, undone, and soft the words hit her hard slowly sinking in until they reached her very core. For the last 5 and a half months, it was, “meant to be”, Every cell in her body, every beat of her heart and beat of her baby’s was meant to be. Every bout of nausea, tired afternoon and daydream spent with her was meant to be. She knew her in her mind, her feet, toes, cheeks, that feeling you get when you gaze into their big beautiful eyes.

Her son had already grown into a big brother, and the adventures they would have as a family of four were written. And yes, I suppose that is an obvious, pragmatic explanation, for the modern man. But for those of us who have felt life within us, or even felt the flicker of possibility when called to motherhood. We know that a mother is an ethereal being and when we grow a baby we do so with body, soul and mind. So… it was always meant to be.

We all experience grief in our lives, it is important to know healthy ways we can support each other but also understand there are some responses that DO NOT SUPPORT Grief after a miscarriage, these responses can actually hinder the grieving process.

So DO NOT!

1. DO NOT Minimize the loss, this commonly happens with early miscarriage.
2. DO NOT find something positive in the loss, we do this to try to “make it better” big no, no.
3. DO NOT offer platitude, statements, “like it wasn’t meant to be” or “it was for the best.”
4. DO NOT AVOID THE TOPIC, sometimes this feels “humane” we don’t want to cause people we love to hurt, but being able to listen and also ask questions gives them space to grieve and also places for us to support them better.

Things Not To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

1. Better luck next time
2. It wasn’t meant to be
3. This was for the best
4. You can try again
5. Do you think there is something wrong with you?
6. Oh it’s so early it’s not like losing a real baby
7. It’s Godswill
8. Look on the bright side…
9. You’ll be fine in a few days

Loss is uncomfortable and often when met with uncomfortable situations, like stillbirth or miscarriage we can say some pretty uncomfortable things. So what DO you say? Try, “I am here for you”, or even “this sucks”, you can say, “I am sorry.”, “I booked you a massage” or, “I brought you this food.” You could say, “is there anything you need done today? Water picked up? Trash taken out? Groceries?” You can also say nothing, and just be, or do, because honestly, nothing you say really matters during a loss. It’s what you do, and how you show up that helps support people. It may be difficult for you to support someone. For some people sending a card can be a way to support a friend of family member grieving the loss.

Things You Should Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

1. How are you feeling?
2. How is your heart?
3. How can I help? Or better yet, just go clean, do the chores
4. Do you want to share how you are feeling?
5. I am so sorry.
6. I am here for you.
7. This sucks.
8. I brought you this home cooked meal.
9. I got you a massage
10. I bought you a session with a therapist

I hope this is helpful for you on your journey of supporting someone through a loss. If you know a family member or friend that has experienced a pregnancy loss or miscarriage, remember that it is both a physical and emotional loss, and can affect families, mothers and partners mental health. For partners, generally their grief is delayed by 18 months after the loss. Remind both parents to take time to grieve. Sometimes a licensed marriage and family therapist can be helpful to support those who have experienced a miscarriage. Sometimes hearing other peoples stories can help; you can find Miscarriage Stories through our Resources tab. If you or someone you know has experienced a miscarriage and would like to share; please send your story to hello@solace.com.co. When you share your story it helps others through there’s. You are not alone!