The hardest thing during that time was feeling alone and incompetent. I seriously thought I was the only one, when you’re going through it, even though I had my husband and mom by my side, you just feel alone for lack of a better word. You feel like you’re the only one going through it. Not to mention the pain, I had never felt pain like that before. It was like I was in active labor for hours upon hours.

… even though I had my husband and mom by my side, you just feel alone for lack of a better word. You feel like you’re the only one going through it.

Constantly going to the bathroom and getting rid of the discharge and desperately searching for my baby to come out as I passed every single clot. I chose to do it naturally and let my body figure it out. Those were the longest 2 weeks of my life. My Ob was very helpful at answering any questions and I was able to go back and see him after the miscarriage process officially begun so that he could remove a large clot that was stuck. When I saw his face during the ultrasound my heart definitely sank, because immediately I knew something was wrong, I was crying my eyes out when he sent me downstairs to get the lab work.

When his nurse called me on accident and said that my labs looked ok, I was extremely hopeful only to find out she had made a mistake, because I told her I had seen the labs and the levels were way below what the doctor had said. So that’s when she realized that the doctor would have to call me so I had to wait for him to get out of surgery so that he could call me back and tell me the bad news.

I still hold a special place in my heart for my baby.

Even after I had my fourth baby, my rainbow baby, my heart still yearns for my angel baby. He was mine, and I’m so sad I didn’t get to meet him.

What helped me a lot afterwards was sharing my story, you won’t believe the outpouring of messages I got from family and friends who had gone through the same thing. It was so helpful to see that others had gone through this too, that I wasn’t the only one. That’s what helped me the most, to not feel alone.